"Part of the bitter, but potentially freeing lesson of this devastating complaint seems to be a loss of naivety and an acceptance, and coming to terms with what truly is, rather than what the socially adapted will desires".
As far as I am concerned this statement simply means, you must be yourself, and true to yourself, no matter what.
I had been arriving at that conclusion myself but quite slowly. In fact during my last session with my therapist I said to her that I actually had no idea who I really was and that there appeared to be huge parts of me that are very important but I had chosen not to incorporate in my day to day life. This realisation came out of the "spiritual awakening", or whatever you want to call it, that I seem to be going through. Somehow I know things that previously were intellectual concepts. For example, that we are all connected, and truly when you hurt someone else you really are just hurting yourself. Also I know that life is a numerous collection of divinely ordered cycles with everything in it's right place and order. If we don't get something right on this cycle, we can try again next time the cycle repeats. That doesn't have take the pressure off if you are a bit of a perfectionist like myself.
But do I know myself? I've always been interested in spirituality and occult matters but part of me has been frightened by them. I have a deep inner knowing that they are very, very powerful and not to be abused. I think that for this reason I decided not to pursue these interests. I think this has made me sick because all the time I knew I was a very spiritual person but yet denied myself. Not only that, most people think that spirituality and religion are the same thing.
It is such a pity that the words spirituality and religion seem to go together in the mind of the mass consciousness. I am not religious, and doubt I ever will be. After all, who wants a middle man getting in the way?! I am joking, but you know what I mean.
I grew up living in the Church House as my Dad was a "Church Officer" (Caretaker for the Church). I remember the freedom of running up and down the aisle, around the pews and altar when my Dad was doing some work and I came along to keep him company. It was the space - it was magnificent and I had it all to myself! These are some of my happiest memories. I especially used to love how that deep dark blue carpet on the aisle was so squishy - I used to take my shoes and sock off and run about all over it, enjoying the "squish"! Crazy child? Possibly. Wonderfully free and happy? Definitely.
I mention the church just because I wanted to acknowledge my experience with an organised religion. That experience was very good and I cannot think of anything that upset me or made me unhappy (except Girl Guides - that was way too competitive for me). It is only as an adult that I have the ability to be able to look at different religions and wonder why they are all fighting with each other? They all have the same goal in my opinion and each one of them is right that there is only one universal power. Sounds naive and simplistic but the truth at the heart of any matter often is.
So now I have realised this spiritual seeking part of me and welcomed it in to my life by giving it expression right here, contemplation through the books I am reading and following my interest in astrology, I can't help wondering what other bit's of me don't I know? It's actually a bit frightening to realise that you are almost at the half way point and you forgot what the point is (the point being that we are to BE ourselves)! I say "forgot" quite deliberately because I believe that all of us really do know who we are deep down and all that happens is we think it's easier to forget.
As a teenager I definitely came to the conclusion that it was easier to forget. I never fitted in anywhere! I was dyslexic and used to write and add up backwards, I didn't live in the same neighbourhood as all my school pals, I never had "professional" parents or money like my peers, I had a disabled Mother, no one expected or encouraged me to go university like my peers and I wore a school uniform because it was all we could afford and everyone else had designer gear. When you are different like that you try your best to be like other people who are popular and fit in but it doesn't work because people sense that you are a phony. I just used to spend most of my time on my own, it was easier that way.
Even now I am very private about myself and my life with colleagues. I suppose I do this because if they do not have information then they cannot make judgements. However I suspect that they are all making the judgement that I am too secretive! See, you just can't win in the end if you are not yourself.
So how do I remember? I suppose that the first step in remembering is being able to deal with other's opinions without them feeling like a mortal wound. Not easy for sensitive types! Like I discovered years ago it's easier to hide yourself away because that way no-one can "get" you. It was in January this year I realised that idea was fundamentally flawed as we simply cannot exist alone. I was SO lonely. I had so many pressures at that time and no support.
That was when I realised it's all just another big cycle really. We fear being rejected which would mean we would be lonely so we stop being our true ("different") selves and hide ourselves away (literally or emotionally) from others which actually makes us lonely because we are not authentically connecting to others. What's the point in connecting if it is not authentic? Superficiality is SO tiring.So the fear of an outcome (rejection/loneliness) causes a behaviour (withdrawal/hiding/suppression) that in the longer term actually induces the feared outcome. This becuse we either relate in a superficial unauthentic way or decide not to relate at all.
I suppose that a blog is an excellent way to help! Consider this;
- I am speaking truly and truthfully from my heart which means that in this moment I am really myself (whatever that actually is) and that has got to be GOOD
- I am sharing this deepest innermost part of myself with, potentially, the whole world who could (and probably will) judge me, but you will judge my thoughts which is the true essence of me, not my clothes or hairstyle or sex
- Although you see me, I am anonymous
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