Changes

Today I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last few months and on further reflection, the last six or seven years. I used to be pretty ordinary, doing ordinary things like shopping, going for drinks with friends, getting drunk, being hung over, going to work, cooking and cleaning. I suppose I knew I was living quite a superficial unfulfilled life. I had no hobbies, no real interests outside work and I wasn't even interested in the work I was doing anyway, in fact I hated it.

So often we know that we are not on the "right track". If we allow ourselves (which I didn't for a long time) we feel unfulfilled, empty and as if we are going through the motions of life. It's easier to keep rolling along with three wheels with a continual nagging awareness that something is not right than it is to face up to life - and ultimately to face up to ourselves. Then one day, all the wheels fall off.

I like the analogy of the "wheels falling off", it fits my experience so well. After I gave up being drunk or hungover in order to anaesthetise myself I took up "doing things". Oh yes, I became a master in "doing". I could go around the house all day tweaking and cleaning and always found something "productive" to do at work. If everything was in order at work and at home there was always someone else I could help or "do" things for. The only time my body stopped was when I collapsed into bed at night. One day my therapist said to me "we are human beings". I got it, but at the time I thought that was just a little bit too much for me to handle so I just carried on "doing", after all I still had three wheels intact.

I went from distracting myself, from myself, by running around at warp ten until quite literally the wheels dropped off. I truly felt like I had crashed into a brick wall. I was stupefied. Why would my body not co-operate? Where had my energy gone? Then I was told there were no drug therapies (or any other therapies) for this illness. It was then I realised that it was going to be down to me. It was me who got me here and ultimately it was me who could get me out of here. Then I realised that one of the names for these "fatigue" illnesses is "ME". No coincidence.

Then all the emphasis on me made me feel so terribly lonely. No one else could help me. It was an overwhelming and unbearable. I had no where to go for healing or comfort other than myself. I had to go within.

Fortunately I have been studying astrology for some time and therefore had some exposure to a few spiritual concepts like the law of attraction. Also, many years ago, a co-worker got me on a Louise Hay course. I wasn't ready for it at the time but I had kept the book. I read and re-read it. Then I checked out the bibliography at the back and some of the "if you like that, you might like this.." links on Amazon and the floodgates opened. Every single book from Louise Hay to a book about snowflakes was giving the very same message. We are spiritual beings in a vibratory universe who are creators and co-creators of our own "reality". Nothing comes from "out there", everything comes from within.

From feelings of terrible loneliness I had moved to a place of knowing that we are all interconnected on many different levels. On a mundane level I am connected to my postman because I need my post delivered. On a more spiritual level I am connected to everyone but the ties are different - sometimes as a teacher to others and as a pupil of others further down this path.

One of the most significant intellectual realisations of this time is that spirituality and religion are not the same. I think that we can be very spiritual beings without an organised religion, although at the moment I am not quite sure how I am going to actually do this on a day to day level.

I believe that for the last few years and certainly the last two years, there has been a lot of synchronicity going on. Although I am not in a very comfortable place right now I can take great comfort in the fact the "teachers" (books, people, experiences) are coming to me, as if by magic, as and when I need them.

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