It's All Too Much

Not been having a good time the last day or two. My partner has started a new dietary regime (which may also help me) but the change has put me under enormous strain at a time when I feel I simply can't cope. I've had to clear out cupboards, buy new provisions and all at a time when I am being advised to take it easy and not put myself under any strain.

This morning I spent about half an hour in the garden in tears. I feel so overwhelmed by everything and very unsupported in a practical sense. I am wondering if I am ever going to get out of this illness. It's just not a good day. I really don't want to be negative and I try, every day to think "what can I do today"? But sometimes all the pent up emotion comes to the surface and it must be let out. It will definitely be easier for me when I am at the stage of being able to manage the cooking and household basics without it being a huge struggle.

I've been so tied up with struggling to buy suitable foods, cook them and keep some kind of order in the kitchen that I have not had time for any spiritual contemplation and I think that is bad for me too. At the moment I am getting such enjoyment from reading all sorts of spiritual books and just letting my mind wander free in the non physical realm. It's like a release. In fact I off to read something now.

Bad Mood

I am PMT and woke up with the most terrible headache right at the top of my head and on my forehead. It is grey and overcast and looks like it is going to rain. I am finding life with my husband extremely difficult at the moment. He is getting ready for work now and to be honest I can't wait until he gets out of the house and I know I have peace for the next 8 hours or so.

I think that I did too much yesterday. I had ordered a few things mail order and they all arrived on the same day. On top of that my husband spent all of last year working in Switzerland and so he had all the stuff he took out there shipped home and that arrived yesterday too. My dining room likes a storage depot. My utility room is full of bags and carriers. The front vestibule is full of bags and boxes for the charity shop. Wherever I go there are bundles of crap awaiting sorting out, which I am just unable to do.

My window cleaner also promised he would come yesterday about 9.30 in the morning. As I need to lie down after my shower I had to get up about 6.30 a.m. to accommodate this. I was OK about that because I really need the insides of my windows cleaned. He did not show u til 12.30. What is wrong with people? Why make an arrangement with people then think it's OK to show up THREE HOURS LATE? It's rude and disrespectful. I am now looking for a new window cleaner.

I find all of this very, very frustrating and it is making me feel most unspiritual! I just want to sit here today and watch junk TV and not talk to anyone. It would be OK if I knew the mess would be sorted out but my husband is not like that. One something has found a "place" that I do not complain about immediately he seems to take that as a sign it can stay there indefinitely. Invariably I have to have a total flip out about it (usually after it has been lying there for about 3 weeks) before he is jolted in to action. Generally the behaviour then is to move the items from the visible dumping area to a non-visible dumbing area (aka a cupboard). This makes me even more furious because then when I need something out of the cupboard I can't get it because it's jam packed with his *****.

On top of that I have been cooking and following a special dairy and gluten free diet for him for about 8 years. A fortnight ago (on the advice of his nuritionist) it is all change. He now wants the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. This is a lot of work and he does not seem to understand that at the moment I NEED peace, calm and a routine. I don't know whether I am coming or going in the kitchen. What he is deciding to eat today or not.

In short, I feel overwhelmed, overloaded and want to check out of life. So sod him and his diet and his mess. I am having nothing to do with it. And if the mess all over the house is dealt with by the end of the weekend I'll pay someone to come and do a house clearance.

I think the grounding remedy the homeopath gave me is definitely working.

I

Office Work

Despite two radical career changes in my life I have always found myself working in an office. Many, many times when sitting at my desk the term "dark satanic mills" has popped in to my head. I thought I would have another look a Blake's poem today. There are a few interpretations of his work but the one that resonates with me is the meaning linked with the Industrial Revolution, destruction of nature and human relationship.

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?

And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark Satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!

I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.

I have come to realise over the last 7 or 8 years that working within an office is probably making me ill. Two years ago I decided that working part time was a possible solution by limiting my exposure to the office and work environment but I have found that this means it only takes me a little longer to become unwell! So what is wrong with an office environment? After all, many millions of people all over the world work in office environments.

Office work is so restrictive. You must comply with the clock. I live in a northern latitude and in the winter I feel it almost inhumane to insist that we stick with clock hours, rising in the pitch black and returning home in the same, never to see a bit daylight all day. Conversely, in summer, when the sun is high in the sky you barely see daylight from your desk. This is partly a status thing as in large open plan offices it is the "senior" staff who are usually positioned next to any windows. Those who are not so lucky sit in rows of desks at the center of the building under electrical light. Even the windows you can see are often obscured with blinds or solar reflective films.

The air is unhealthly too. We are assured that air conditioned buildings with their filtered air are healthy. I don't care what they say, it feels unhealthy to me! It's stagnant and sick. How many times I have sat there and longed to open a window, to feel a breeze instead of an icy blast from an air conditining unit.

Everything feels electrical but not in an energising way. The computers, screens, copiers are sapping. You can almost feel the tiring haze that comes off all the machines and we are expected to sit for hour after hour, day after day looking at these things.

Then there is the sitting for hour after hour. This is not good for people - bodies were designed to be moved! I feel self conscious in the office if I get up and down from my seat too often. There seems to be an unwritten rule that in order to be at maximum production we must be at our stations continuously.

The other - unsaid - rules are the very worst for me. In open plan offices talking with colleagues, unless absolutely essential and about work matters, seems to be actively frowned upon. In one place I worked we had cubicles around our desk which were not enough to provide any privacy but just enough to isolate you completely because you have to stand up to talk to anyone.

These offices grind the spirit down into conformity. They are de-humanising. There is no connection with nature and limited interaction with fellow beings. Offices are the dark satanic mills of our time.

The mills of the industrial revolution period were physically harsh, had unacceptably long hours and dangerous equipment. What has changed?! The "mills" of the current day make their employees feel obliged to work for longer than they are paid for, and in my opinion, being surrounded by all that electrical equipment, air conditioning and toxic man made materials is as bad as working with physically dangerous equipment.

There is an emotional and spiritual sickness in these places. Both working environments share a total disconnect with nature. We are feeling beings not suited to a sterile, mechanistic environment. It weakens the spirit and soul for where is the inspiration that comes from nature or from intimate contact with fellow beings? I am certain that in years to come we will look back at these hermetically sealed environments and our children will wonder how on earth that was ever allowed to be!

I

In Love With the Internet

I am in love with the internet and have been for about ten years or so. We were probably what you call "early adopters" as my husband worked in IT at the time. In the early days it was Alta Vista and an ISDN connection. You needed to know about IT in those days in order to have the web at home. The web was much more "wordy" than visual back then, probably because of it's early use in academia and bandwidth at the time.

Ten years on and I am still in love. In fact, just like a good man is like a good wine, it has indeed improved with age in my opinion. So what qualities fuel this passionate relationship? The big one for me is that no matter what time of day or night you can very easily get someone else's opinion on any question you may care to ask. (That's not to say that the answer will be right).

When I was a kid there was no internet and I always had questions. Being a bit of an unusual child these questions were often quite "deep" in nature and most time the adults around me didn't know what I was trying to ask, let alone attempt to provide an answer. My parents were not academic so we never had many books at home. They did read but it was popular fiction - not the sort of thing that is going to be useful with your school project! As an adult I love books and take good care of them. Often, if I had a book home from school, and I left it lying out somewhere I would get up the next day to find it defaced with a big ring from a wet tea or cofee cup. Grrrrrr... I still find this abhorrent today.

The only sources of information available as a child were through the library or school. I liked the Library, and was very glad of it, but our library was local (good) and quite small (bad) meaning it had only a small section of books on any subject. Yes, you could order something in but, here's the big thing, you needed to know what to ask for! The internet is a bit like a world library to me. You may not get the detail or depth you are looking for but you will certainly get breadth and even better it will link you (quickly) to other areas with which there may be synergitic subject matter which opens up whole new worlds.

Also as a kid I gave up asking my "weird" questions at school because I was made to feel a bit silly at times. It doesn't matter what you ask the internet, it is almost divine in it's handling and responses to questions in that it doesn't judge and nearly always comes back with some kind of answer. If what comes back with is not what you meant you can keep going till you do get what you want and the "divine" source never ever tires.

Lately because of illness I have also realised, and come to be hugely appreciative, of the internet as a non-physical realm. I think this is quite spiritual in a way. It is a place where the whole world can interact (assuming common language, etc.) and not be judged on physical attributes, ability or disabiliy. It is like an etheral realm where the soul can go to lean and interact with other souls. It doesn't matter if your body has packed up - you don't need it in internet land. How great is that?

I was thinking about all of this last night and I thought that I would love to have a look at the birth chart of the world wide web. That's a difficult one, because I think that there would be quite a bit of disagreement on when the intenet was actually "born". The next best thing I thought, and interesting none the less, would be to look at the birth chart of the man credited with the invention of the internet. So here it is;

Tim Berners-Lee, 8 June 1955, London, UK

Unfortunately there is no birth time for Tim but we can still tell quite a bit from his chart regardless.

The sign Gemini and it's ruler the planet Gemini are strong in Tim's chart. Gemini and Mercury are all to do with communication. Gemini is the sign of the mind, social interaction (loves a good chit chat), is very adaptable and loves to go around collecting data. Mercury is linked with thought process, spreech, writing, messages and education. Tim's Sun is in Gemini which is quincunx Saturn indicating that he has an uneasy relationship with authority or anything that is highly structured and rigid. This is definately someone who is is best in a free environment. As well as Sun in Gemini Tim has Mercury in Gemini meaning it is in it's own sign so operates very effectively because it feels "at home".

The Nodal Axis is about where we come from (our instinctive, sunconscious behaviours) and where we are going to (what we need to learn in this life time) and it is interesting to note that Mercury is conjunct the S Node. Tim already has a deep Mercurial "knowing" - all things Mercury (communication) are instinctive and natural to him. The nodal axis is very significant in this chart becuase it is on the Gemini/Sagittarius axis. Gemini and Sagittarius are opposite signs therefore are at different "poles" of the same spectrum and that spectrum is all to do with information and learning. Gemini has more of a personal flavour as it's linked with school learning and day to day communications. Sagittarius is linked with higher learning and the bigger picture. Given that Tim's N Node (what we need to achieve in this life time) is in Sagittarius then we can see that somehow or other his "destiny" in this life time is to with all matters Sagittarian which are the "bigger picture", expansion, higher learning, travel and seeking.

Mercury in Gemini trines Neptune. The able and probably prolific communicator (Mercury in Gemini) trines (has a flowing and east relationship) with Neptune the planet which is associated with the dissolution or breaking down of things. Neptune is also associated with imagination, illusion (deception) and sacrifice. Tim may find it easier than most to communicate "visions" and dreams in an articulate and effective way.

I have mentioned the significance of the sign Sagittarius in the chart and the ruler of this sign is Jupiter. Jupiter is in exaltation here meaning it works very well and is strong in a way. Jupiter is conjunct Uranus. Uranus is associated with new and radical things as well as revolution, eccentricity, progression and enlightenment. Combine these attributes with those of Jupiter expansion, meaning, purpose, higher vision/learning and long distance travel and I think you have a good metaphor for the internet.

Jupiter does square Neptune in Tim's chart meaning that, at times, he may find his vision is difficult to bring to reality.

Tim's Moon is in Capricorn which is not great as it can make you feel a bit down at times. The Moon opposes Mars so it's possible there is a bit of emotional conflict going on. He may find it challenging to express his emotions or he may find that emotional issues can affect his will and drive in life. Mars is in fall and there is a lack of the fire element in Tim's chart. Mars is associated with the will, drive for life, passion and action so he may prefer to theorise and live in the world of thoughts and ideas rather than strike out and take physical action.

I

Who Am I? Blogging for Self Discovery and Recovery

In yesterday's blog whilst considering the active astrological transits during the time I became ill I came across this insight in Jane Ridder-Partrick's excellent book called "A Handbook of Astrological Health" and to say that it resonated with me is putting it mildly.

"Part of the bitter, but potentially freeing lesson of this devastating complaint seems to be a loss of naivety and an acceptance, and coming to terms with what truly is, rather than what the socially adapted will desires".

As far as I am concerned this statement simply means, you must be yourself, and true to yourself, no matter what.

I had been arriving at that conclusion myself but quite slowly. In fact during my last session with my therapist I said to her that I actually had no idea who I really was and that there appeared to be huge parts of me that are very important but I had chosen not to incorporate in my day to day life. This realisation came out of the "spiritual awakening", or whatever you want to call it, that I seem to be going through. Somehow I know things that previously were intellectual concepts. For example, that we are all connected, and truly when you hurt someone else you really are just hurting yourself. Also I know that life is a numerous collection of divinely ordered cycles with everything in it's right place and order. If we don't get something right on this cycle, we can try again next time the cycle repeats. That doesn't have take the pressure off if you are a bit of a perfectionist like myself.

But do I know myself? I've always been interested in spirituality and occult matters but part of me has been frightened by them. I have a deep inner knowing that they are very, very powerful and not to be abused. I think that for this reason I decided not to pursue these interests. I think this has made me sick because all the time I knew I was a very spiritual person but yet denied myself. Not only that, most people think that spirituality and religion are the same thing.

It is such a pity that the words spirituality and religion seem to go together in the mind of the mass consciousness. I am not religious, and doubt I ever will be. After all, who wants a middle man getting in the way?! I am joking, but you know what I mean.

I grew up living in the Church House as my Dad was a "Church Officer" (Caretaker for the Church). I remember the freedom of running up and down the aisle, around the pews and altar when my Dad was doing some work and I came along to keep him company. It was the space - it was magnificent and I had it all to myself! These are some of my happiest memories. I especially used to love how that deep dark blue carpet on the aisle was so squishy - I used to take my shoes and sock off and run about all over it, enjoying the "squish"! Crazy child? Possibly. Wonderfully free and happy? Definitely.

I mention the church just because I wanted to acknowledge my experience with an organised religion. That experience was very good and I cannot think of anything that upset me or made me unhappy (except Girl Guides - that was way too competitive for me). It is only as an adult that I have the ability to be able to look at different religions and wonder why they are all fighting with each other? They all have the same goal in my opinion and each one of them is right that there is only one universal power. Sounds naive and simplistic but the truth at the heart of any matter often is.

So now I have realised this spiritual seeking part of me and welcomed it in to my life by giving it expression right here, contemplation through the books I am reading and following my interest in astrology, I can't help wondering what other bit's of me don't I know? It's actually a bit frightening to realise that you are almost at the half way point and you forgot what the point is (the point being that we are to BE ourselves)! I say "forgot" quite deliberately because I believe that all of us really do know who we are deep down and all that happens is we think it's easier to forget.

As a teenager I definitely came to the conclusion that it was easier to forget. I never fitted in anywhere! I was dyslexic and used to write and add up backwards, I didn't live in the same neighbourhood as all my school pals, I never had "professional" parents or money like my peers, I had a disabled Mother, no one expected or encouraged me to go university like my peers and I wore a school uniform because it was all we could afford and everyone else had designer gear. When you are different like that you try your best to be like other people who are popular and fit in but it doesn't work because people sense that you are a phony. I just used to spend most of my time on my own, it was easier that way.

Even now I am very private about myself and my life with colleagues. I suppose I do this because if they do not have information then they cannot make judgements. However I suspect that they are all making the judgement that I am too secretive! See, you just can't win in the end if you are not yourself.

So how do I remember? I suppose that the first step in remembering is being able to deal with other's opinions without them feeling like a mortal wound. Not easy for sensitive types! Like I discovered years ago it's easier to hide yourself away because that way no-one can "get" you. It was in January this year I realised that idea was fundamentally flawed as we simply cannot exist alone. I was SO lonely. I had so many pressures at that time and no support.

That was when I realised it's all just another big cycle really. We fear being rejected which would mean we would be lonely so we stop being our true ("different") selves and hide ourselves away (literally or emotionally) from others which actually makes us lonely because we are not authentically connecting to others. What's the point in connecting if it is not authentic? Superficiality is SO tiring.

So the fear of an outcome (rejection/loneliness) causes a behaviour (withdrawal/hiding/suppression) that in the longer term actually induces the feared outcome. This becuse we either relate in a superficial unauthentic way or decide not to relate at all.

I suppose that a blog is an excellent way to help! Consider this;

• I am speaking truly and truthfully from my heart which means that in this moment I am really myself (whatever that actually is) and that has got to be GOOD
• I am sharing this deepest innermost part of myself with, potentially, the whole world who could (and probably will) judge me, but you will judge my thoughts which is the true essence of me, not my clothes or hairstyle or sex
• Although you see me, I am anonymous

I

Recent Illness and My Chart

I really enjoyed looking at the chart of the time I took the antibiotic in Friday's blog. I was surprised how the themes of electricity and low energy were present again and again. It certainly does seem to be an accurate expression of my personal experience taking the drug.

Anyway, I thought that I might have a look at my own natal chart to see what that might have to say.

The heavyweights in astrological health matters are Saturn, Mars and the Nodes. Usually, but not always, illness starts with Saturn.

Looking at a timeline of planetary activity starting in January 2009 I notice that my progressed Moon is conjunct my progressed ASC in mid January. This is closely followed with a Solar Eclipse at the end of January. I personally believe that these two events were the trigger factors in this illness.

I know that I am sensitive to eclipse's and my theory is that it is because I have a lot of Leo (Solar) energy in my chart. When this energy is blocked out "eclipsed" it does seem to have quite an effect. This was an annual eclipse at 6 degrees Aquarius which does not impact any sensitive points in my chart but is in the opposite sign of my natal Sun sign and in the second house of money, values, pleasures and resources (material or otherwise).

I think that it is worth looking at the secondary progressions chart for this time as it gives a very personal picture of what is occurring.

The Current Lunar Phase of the progressed chart is - Full Moon (February 15 2008 to April 26 2011) at 29 degrees Aries. The Full Moon phase is associated with fulfillment. This is a time of harvesting what is already there, the fruits of your labour from events 14 years ago (positive or negative). This is the peak of the cycle and there is no point in waiting for things to get better - this is as good as this cycle is going to get.

The progressed Moon is traveling through Capricorn where the subconscious drive is internal. This is probably not likely to be a great time emotionally as the Moon is not well placed in Capricorn. Feelings of loneliness, isolation or being duty bound are likely. Fear is also a theme, especially fear of chaos out of which comes failure.

This is a time of re-arranging what you have and putting your house in order. No new inputs are likely or required at this time. Career/vocation may be in focus and often there can be changes in job or profession.

Health problems are often to do with skin, bones, teeth and nails. Skin is more sensitive and acne is also indicated.

The progressed Moon is travelling through the first house of the natal chart. The first house is concerned with matters of the "self" (M.E. again?!). This is a good time for action, of pushing forward and making your own decisions. There can also be an emphasis on the physical body at this time.

I have natal Saturn in the 7th house of partnerships which forms a very tight square to the Moon. Not a great aspect for feeling settled or secure emotionally. Natally, Capricorn is on the 2nd house cusp. The progressed Moon is also quincunx progressed Venus in the 7th house.

So those are the progressions, the internal landscape inside my emotional being. What about the transits during this time? Transits do not have the internal emotional focus of progressions, being more concerned with the outer world. So what transits were active around January 2009?

The bigone has to be transiting Saturn conjunct natal Moon and squaring natal Saturn. This transit begins around the end of October 2008 and continues until the start of August 2009.

Transiting Saturn is conjunct my natal Moon from 26 October to 6 November 2008. What happened? My Mother (Moon) gets a blood clot and I feel responsible (Saturn) for her care which is not easy and a little emotionally testing (natal Moon square Saturn). At the same time I have a minor problem with the hearing/feeling of fullness in my right ear (Lilly associates Saturn with difficulties of the right ear).

The next time Saturn is exactly conjunct my natal Moon is from the 2nd - 13 March 2009. This time the transit it retrograde over my Moon. What happened? This time I got ill following a period of intense emotional distress. I had caring responsibilities towards my Mother (very Saturn sqaure Moon). I was completely unsupported as my partner was working abroad and I felt very lonely and isolated (ties in well with the progressed description of the inner landscape!). The problems started on the 6th February when I took some medication for a suspected kidney/bladder problem which they could not identify or diagnose (see previous blog for details of the medication chart). Initially I had problems with my ears (Saturn) followed by a myriad of seemingly unconnected, undiagnosable symptoms finally labelled Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome.

The next time transiting Saturn conjuncts my natal Moon is around about 22 July 2009. Fortunately this is the end of the transit.

These Saturn transits to my Moon were particularly powerful in my opinion because of the very tight natal Saturn Moon square. I believe that my health has been the expression of these transits in this instance because Saturn is so heavily associated with ill health in astrology and my inner mental state has not been very "robust" given that the progressed Moon is in Capricorn and the first house of health.

It is also worth mentioning the very powerful Saturn Uranus opposition that we are all under at the moment. The opposition was exact at 18 degrees Virgo/Pisces on 4th November 2008 (same degree as my natal Moon) and at 20 degrees Virgo/Pisces on 5th February 2009. The second opposition on 5th February 2009 is, strictly speaking, out of orb of my Moon but I felt it nonetheless. The involvement of Uranus opposite my natal Moon and squaring my natal Saturn describes the current health situation so well.

Transits of Saturn "...can produce a relapse, or recurrence of a chronic ailment as it can slow down the process of repair and healing. It can also be the time when a potential conditionis made manifest for the first time". (A Handbook of Medical Astrology, Jane Ridder-Patrick).

Transits of Uranus "...tend to put a spanner in the works of normal functioning of the processes represented by the planet [co-ordination, body electrics, pyramidal tract] and the sign transited [allergies, poisoning, chronic fatigue syndrome]. They force us out of comfort zones, to look at life in new ways and to consider as-yet untried options".(A Handbook of Medical Astrology, Jane Ridder-Patrick).

There are another 3 exact Saturn Uranus oppositions on 15th September 2009 at 24 degrees Virgo/Pisces, 26th April 2010 at 28 degrees Virgo/Pisces and the last one 26th July 2010 at 0 degrees Libra/Aries. This last opposition is right on my natal Pluto which forms a T Square in my chart.

Also in the background my Pluto square has been active since January 2008 (when it was first exact) and goes on until the end of August/September 2009. This aspect makes 4 exact hits two of which are retrograde. The last pass in August this year is retrograde. The previous retrograde pass was in May 2008 when my dear Uncle died.

As far as health is concerned transits of Pluto "...bring to the surface that which was previously hidden and needs to be expelled, both physically and psychologically. Like other Pluto processes, this cannot be hurried and requires it's own gestation period, which can be very worriesome and frustrating for the patient. Many of the patients I have seen with M.E. or postviral syndrome, have had strongly Neptunian charts and Pluto transits to personal planets or important chart features at the time the illness began. Part of the bitter, but potentially freeing lesson of this devastating complaint seems to be a loss of naivety and an acceptance, and coming to terms with what truly is, rather than what the socially adapted will desires". (A Handbook of Medical Astrology, Jane Ridder-Patrick). For me the message in italics is that we MUST be ourselves, something I have not been true to.

Well, that's what happened and I think it explains the situation very well. I do feel that the planets have given me a bit of a "kick in" but then perhaps they needed to. I thought that my life, and ME didn't matter as long as everyone else was happy. I only ever set time aside for myself after I had seen to everyone else, therefore I never had time for myself. It has only been as a result of this illness that I have been forced to consider the way I live my life and, sad to say, after 37 years, really get to work on being myself - regardless of what everyone else thinks.

I

A Look at Chart of Medication

Today I received my homeopathic remedies in the post. In the vein of "like cures like" I have a homeopathic version of the antibiotic Ciprofloxacin which I took back in February when all my health problems really took a turn for the worse. I took it this afternoon and already my nose has been running and my ears are hot an itchy. I also have a remedy which has been channeled by a holy man to balance kundalini!

I am not sure why, but I noted the the date and time that I took the antibiotic in February. Knowing the date and, more importantly the time, I can create and have a go at analysing the chart.

So what does this tell me?

In health astrology the planets are the activating energy. I am looking first at the Sun which is 18 Aquarius and in fall meaning the vital force is weak in this chart.

In health astrology the signs are the likely afflicted body parts and Aquarius is associated with ankles, lower legs, circulation and the electrical system of the body. Aquarians are prone to light deficiency, fatigue, depression and anaemia. The vital force, the Sun, in this sign is electrical and erratic appearing in spasmodic spurts or power surges of energy followed by periods of low force on all levels. Aquarians are very sensitive to electromagnet and barometric changes. Aquarian diseases include anaemia, nervous sensitivity, muscle spasms, blood poisoning, cold extremities, fatigue, "undiagnosable" ailments, low blood pressure, mental extremes. Aquarius is also associated with the Pyramidal Tract (Corticospinal tract) which "is a massive bundle of nerve cells that carry motor commands from the brain down the spinal cord. Most of the nerve fibres cross over to the opposite side at the top of the spine and run down the length of the spinal column to the arma and legs. This 'wires up' the extremetities to the brain which can then send electrical signals down the nerves to order the body to make voluntary movements". (A Handbook of Medical Astrology, JaneRidder-Patrick).

In this chart the Sun is also conjunct Chiron and Neptune. I do not have much information about Chiron and health but given his reputation as the wounded healer - the demi-god who could not heal himself and could not die - it might suggest a similar kind of wounding to the life force. Neptune's energy is weakening, draining, confusing, often associated with wrong diagnosis, secret poisoning, virus, sedative drugs, spinal fluid and electromagnetic poisoning.

The Sun is at 18 degrees and this is associated with Glomerulonephritis which is a type of kidney disease. The kidneys are often referred to as the body's "battery". This degree is also asociated with the spinal nervous system and is Azimene, a very weak point.

So, just considering the Sun in this chart the energy has a distinct electrical and weakening theme combined with problems of diagnosis.

Aquarius is ruled by Uranus which is in the 6th house opposite Saturn in the 12th. The 6th and 12th houses are "health" houses in astrology so it would appear that the energy here is likely to have a health focus. This is particularly so when considering the Saturn Uranus opposition which is almost exact at this time.

It's worth looking at the energies of Uranus and Saturn in addition to the Sun in this chart to see what other kind of "activity" taking this drug at this time would produce. Uranus is associated with the electrical currents in the body. Spasms, extremes, unexpected surprises, chaos, imbalance to brain chemistry or hormones, electromagnetic poisoning, motor nerve issues and possible thyroid issues.

Saturn is the heavy weight when it comes to astrology and health along with Mars and the South Node. Saturn's energy is freezing, depriving, limiting, restricting, slowing, hardening, stiffening, the gall bladder, bones, ligaments and the overall strength of the body. In this chart there is a trine aspect between Saturn and Mercury which is worth mentioning because aspects between these two planets can indicate an underfunctioning of the nervous system generally (especially the part involved with speach and hearing).

This chart also shows a slight emphasis of the air element which is associated with being scattered, nervous, mentally unbalanced or fatigued, restlessness, cold, anaemia and hypersensitivity.

So the theme of energy, electricity and weaking/fatigue can be seen again.

The chart ruler is Libra ruled by Venus in the 6th house of health. Venus is in detriment meaning it will be operating with difficulty. Venus is associated with being sloppy, lazy, sugar problems, loss of muscular tone, female body parts and hormones, taste, touch and the Thymus and Thyroid glands. Venus is in Aries so this energy would manifest in Aries associated ways which include hormone and kidney problems. Venus at 3 degrees is specifically associated with the cerbebellum. The cerebellum is involved in the motor processes and Venus in detriment would provide further indication that this function may be weakened.

Venus squares Pluto in the 3rd house. Pluto is associated with "very serious or terminal conditions that demand the utmost application of the spiritual will" (Judith Hill, Medical Astrology). Pluto, wherever he is, is usually life changing in some way. It is interesting that he, the "planet" of the underworld is hiding right down at the bottom of the chart. I believe that Pluto may be linked to Kundalini as there are considerable parallels between their respective energies. Pluto is associated with transformation, death and birth, eruption of hidden and unconscious emotions to the surface.

The Nodes are so important in medical astrology so I want to look at the nodes also. The Nodal Axis is Aquarius, Leo, 4th and 10th houses. The N Node is in Aquarius associated with blood pressure, ankles and blood diseases. The N Node is conjunct Mars and Jupiter. The N Node conjunct Mars is associated with abundant energy, strong muscles, excess adrenaline, nerves of steel and courage. The N Node conjunct Jupiter is associated with obesity, toxic liver and tumors. The S Node in Leo is associated with a weak heart, eyesight and back.

The S Node is generally considered weak or draining and the N Node strengthening and energising. Given that the planets are conjunct, and therefore lend themselves to a blending of energy, the strengthening effect may be enhanced. The weakening effect of the S Node will be challenged by the opposition aspect.

Finally, I want to mention the Moon. It is so prominent in this chart right up at the top in the 10th house in Cancer. The Moon is in it's own sign of Cancer. In health astrology the moon in Cancer is associated with sensitive health. With this placement the brain chemistry, hormones and general health may change abruptly in response to external conditions. More specifically there may be allergies, upset stomach and skin sensitivity to sun (often common side effects associated with antibiotics).

Fascinating! The chart would point to an illness affecting the body's electrical system that is very weakening. Sounds like it could be a good fit for ME or Post Viral Fatigue. The Moon is in the most public position of the chart indicating how others may view the illness/situation. It is interesting that it is in the particularly sensitive placement of Cancer suggesting that others may see the the situation as emotional in origin. This fits well with all tests being negative at the time. When mainstream medical tests don't show anything it is often then that they decide to accept the mind body connection and suggest that the illness is indeed "emotional". At the beginning of the illness it was suspected that I had a kidney problem and this is shown clearly in this chart too (Venus in Aries square Pluto).

All I can say is I wish I had done this before I took the tablets although I didn't need to because as I sat there with the box of pills in my hand that little voice in my head said quite clearly "do not take them, you will regret it". I ignored the little voice - but not any more.

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Changes

Today I was thinking about how much I have changed in the last few months and on further reflection, the last six or seven years. I used to be pretty ordinary, doing ordinary things like shopping, going for drinks with friends, getting drunk, being hung over, going to work, cooking and cleaning. I suppose I knew I was living quite a superficial unfulfilled life. I had no hobbies, no real interests outside work and I wasn't even interested in the work I was doing anyway, in fact I hated it.

So often we know that we are not on the "right track". If we allow ourselves (which I didn't for a long time) we feel unfulfilled, empty and as if we are going through the motions of life. It's easier to keep rolling along with three wheels with a continual nagging awareness that something is not right than it is to face up to life - and ultimately to face up to ourselves. Then one day, all the wheels fall off.

I like the analogy of the "wheels falling off", it fits my experience so well. After I gave up being drunk or hungover in order to anaesthetise myself I took up "doing things". Oh yes, I became a master in "doing". I could go around the house all day tweaking and cleaning and always found something "productive" to do at work. If everything was in order at work and at home there was always someone else I could help or "do" things for. The only time my body stopped was when I collapsed into bed at night. One day my therapist said to me "we are human beings". I got it, but at the time I thought that was just a little bit too much for me to handle so I just carried on "doing", after all I still had three wheels intact.

I went from distracting myself, from myself, by running around at warp ten until quite literally the wheels dropped off. I truly felt like I had crashed into a brick wall. I was stupefied. Why would my body not co-operate? Where had my energy gone? Then I was told there were no drug therapies (or any other therapies) for this illness. It was then I realised that it was going to be down to me. It was me who got me here and ultimately it was me who could get me out of here. Then I realised that one of the names for these "fatigue" illnesses is "ME". No coincidence.

Then all the emphasis on me made me feel so terribly lonely. No one else could help me. It was an overwhelming and unbearable. I had no where to go for healing or comfort other than myself. I had to go within.

Fortunately I have been studying astrology for some time and therefore had some exposure to a few spiritual concepts like the law of attraction. Also, many years ago, a co-worker got me on a Louise Hay course. I wasn't ready for it at the time but I had kept the book. I read and re-read it. Then I checked out the bibliography at the back and some of the "if you like that, you might like this.." links on Amazon and the floodgates opened. Every single book from Louise Hay to a book about snowflakes was giving the very same message. We are spiritual beings in a vibratory universe who are creators and co-creators of our own "reality". Nothing comes from "out there", everything comes from within.

From feelings of terrible loneliness I had moved to a place of knowing that we are all interconnected on many different levels. On a mundane level I am connected to my postman because I need my post delivered. On a more spiritual level I am connected to everyone but the ties are different - sometimes as a teacher to others and as a pupil of others further down this path.

One of the most significant intellectual realisations of this time is that spirituality and religion are not the same. I think that we can be very spiritual beings without an organised religion, although at the moment I am not quite sure how I am going to actually do this on a day to day level.

I believe that for the last few years and certainly the last two years, there has been a lot of synchronicity going on. Although I am not in a very comfortable place right now I can take great comfort in the fact the "teachers" (books, people, experiences) are coming to me, as if by magic, as and when I need them.

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Good Vibrations

www.edwardmillett.com/mandalas_1_cs.html

All morning I was tearful. It is possible that they were tears of relief that I can now place my physical symptoms or illness in a spiritual context - that of an awakening. Mostly I just felt a bit mixed up.

Yesterday it all made so much sense and today I had no one to share my insight with. Many relationships are so shallow and I cannot relate to others in a shallow or trivial way. Small talk is such an energy drain for me. On the other hand talking about anything metaphysical or occult (hidden) is interesting, exciting and energising for me. Is there anyone else out there like me?

Then the phone rang and it was my homeopath to let me know that the remedy I am going to use next was available for me. I know that the homeopath works with chakra energy so I asked her about kundalini rising. One hour later I didn't feel so much like a freak. Yes, she had heard of it. Yes, things would probably be OK. Yes, it's quite difficult but ultimately it's all for my higher good.

I like these deep conversations - I always learn something. Today I learnt about 12 strand DNA. I still don't really understand how it works but it's something to do with people vibrating at a higher energy level than before. Life here and now on this planet can be a struggle for them because they are tuned to a different frequency from everyone else. The image above is Tao DNA and I think it's beautiful. Perhaps DNA will be the way that "modern" science realises that we are vibrational after all. In other words, that we are spirits and have a body.

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Spiritual Awakening/Let Me Out of This Body

In February this year I took ill. Lots of tests and a diagnosis of "post viral fatigue syndrome" which everyone else says in ME. I am not so sure.

This blog is not about my physical illness however being in denial about it is not good either.

I am in the house at the moment. Can't drive and can't walk far. I can manage to cook for myself, keep myself clean and do some very light tasks around the house. Things are improving -I am pleased to say - but not as fast as I would like.

Something else has been going on though - beyond the physical. I don't want to sound like a hippy or anything but I think I may be having some kind of spiritual awakening. (I am not religious and never have been). For me, religion is something that "other people" do, therefore I have no preconceptions of what a spiritual awakening is. The suggestion of an awakening actually came from my therapist.

About a year before this illness happened I kept stumbling across the word "Kundalini". Books I was reading would mention it, websites would mention it. (To be fair I have been studying astrology for the last four years so some of my reading associated with that was quite spiritual at times). However, I decided to ignore it apart from mentioning to my partner that I kept stumbling across references to kundalini and it was becoming wearisome.

Today, out of interest, I googled for "spiritual awakening" and a whole lot of stuff about Kundalini came up. It all seems to fit. Sites mention all of the weird physical symptoms I am experiencing and perhaps more importantly the emotions that accompany them.

Before I became physically unwell I had an intense feeling of loneliness. It didn't matter who I called, spoke to or saw I just couldn't connect at a deep enough level. I also wanted to "go home". I often found myself thinking/feeling this and saying to myself "you are at home, you are in your own house, what's wrong with you!". No matter, I felt I wasn't "at home".

At the worst stage I could barely get up the stairs without becoming completely physically exhausted. This is especially challenging for me as I think I used to be a bit addicted to "doing" things, anything, that would distract me from - me. That was back in mid March and since then I have quite "accidentally" followed a train of reading that has been increasingly spiritual in content.

At the moment I am reading "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahansa Yogananda which is fascinating to me (I have always had a bit of a fascination with India anyway). Last night I woke up in the middle of the night (always 2 a.m. and apparently another symptom of Kundalini rising) with a "realisation" that I should I write a blog about my experiences at the moment and call it the "Yogi and I". So here goes.

Part of me is thinking "who on earth is going to be interested in this stuff?" and "this is difficult - I am a private person". If someone had told me six months ago I would reading all this stuff, feeling the way I do and feeling the need to share my experience with others I would never have believed!

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